a lot of people are turned away by any type of screaming in music but honestly i was always a huge fan of it. remember how i said i love the way people express themselves? i think it must have something to do with that

and im not talking about your poppy garbage like mcr or soad, you can click off my website now if your a fan of either.

i think i started getting into hardcore music around 7th grade. for those of you that are unaware, the pipleine of hardcore generally starts with punk. in middle school i was in love with a band called descendents, and while they border the line of punk they certanly can be credited to easing me in to a band called called turnstile. i was trying to find a song from skate 3 called canned heat when a song by turnstile came on, i clicked it to be curious and immediatley fell in love with hardcore

i then proceeded to go to local shows playing modern hardcore

going to a local show is an experience that is hard to describe and hard to truly have a wide appeal for.

but fuck i love it. the first time i first saw two friends hugging each other was at a hardcore show, and in the same show, they violently grabbed each other and beat the living daylights out of each other. it was at a place called american legion post 92, the type of sweaty veterans bar that allows misfit adolescents to do flamboyant shit with relatively low consequences. when you are at a hardcore show, your more than a spectator, you are an active participator in the performance. you mosh, you grab the mic and sing, you do whatever you feel like it without any judgment.

getting back to my appreciation for expression and need for understanding, its safe to say that going to local shows has taught me how to love, fight, express, and live. nothing else in my life will come close to helping me understand who i am as an individual.

for those who know me in real life know i always drink at least one cup of coffee a day, every day, since middle school.

i mean for fucks sake im a barista, but my love for coffee actually started in middle school again lol when i tried a dunkin donuts breakfast combo after school because that was the only thing in walking distance.

coffee is expensive. i know thats not a revolutionary take but i started noticing my bank account draining and the source was spending five dollars a day on coffee every morning, and while i enjoyed the walk to dunkin as apart of my routine, i could no longer afford it. i eventually bought a relatively low priced coffee maker at the local goodwill and spent my money on bags of coffee grounds, yes it taste worse, yes i dont care.

but its okay now!!! i work as a barista now and they let me take home bags of coffee we dont sell so actually i technically only pay for the water it takes to brew it. such is all not daisies and flowers though, my coffee machine from goodwill sucks major dick. i really need to save my money and buy a new one. i really want an espresso machine though, which is different than ground coffee if you didnt know. that way i can make much more variety of drinks. as for goals, i really want a williams sonoma espresso machine, but that costs around 600 dollars, which i simply cannot afford. and i dont want to hear anything about caffeine addictions because i can stop drinking coffee at any time and function normally.

i think the coffee world does have a slight problem with elitism and assigning rules on what way to drink coffee. i genuinely like the taste of coffee so dont put much in mine, however if you like those starbucks lattes chock full of sugar and sweet milk, then by all means be my guest, i just wont drink it. its okay to tell people that you dont like the taste of coffee but you appreciate the caffeine benefit, its a very grass is green take.

this show means so goddamn much to me, and if you know me or have looked around my site, you should know this.

okay, stop me if you heard this before, but i first watch this show in middle school i think thats where i really started finding my interest in shows

it wasnt anything too revolutionary that got me into the show, it was during covid and my discord friends were discussing it and i wanted to be apart of the conversation, i saw a dvd for it at a record store so i picked it up and watched it

it is again hard for me to describe the level of emotional impact the show had for me but the stars aligned for it. ill give you the setup though, i was a couped up depressed little new teenager. i seriously didnt have much hobbies and spent most of my time on my computer playing videogames with people who lived in other countries on discord.

the shows central messaging around your connection and individuality really stuck with me, i still rewatch it all the time. i can tell you for certain its the greatest piece of media to ever exists and nothing else comes remotely close. the characters and world is written with such grace and deep emotional complexity its truly amazing how its fiction as to me these characters feel as real as you and i.

i think nge gets classified as the sad anime but if your one of those people eat shit and die because your brain clearly cannot handle complex and deep emotional themes and plotlines.

evangelion is an anime about taking care of yourself, being appreciative of life, and the specialty of being an individual, among many other themes, was all i needed to hear as a depressed teenager. its safe to say not only did evangelion save my life, in the most literal sense, but it also changed my life forever. i sometimes cry when i think about rei ayanami. evangelion is one of those shows on a level of otherworldly i cannot describe in words, you are just gonna have to watch it.

and the same dvd i bought all those years ago still sit next to my barely used xbox one

anthony bourdain was always such a captivating individual to me. saying i watched him for entertainment would be an understatement.

anthony always really stood out to me for the philosophies and lessons he would teach you along the way.

i’ve always also liked him because of how genuine he seemed. he never came across like he was trying to sell some polished version of life or force everything to look perfect. the way he traveled, talked to people, and appreciated different cultures felt honest and real. i like that he understood traveling was about the stories, people, and experiences connected to it. i’ve always respected that.

my favorite quote from him is "maybe that’s enlightenment enough: to know that there is no final resting place of the mind; no moment of smug clarity. perhaps wisdom...is realizing how small i am, and unwise, and how far i have yet to go."

i basically model my life after this person, just float on man, experience things, for how they really are.

you know that kid who always cheated on his book report grades by reading comic books yeah that was me

the first comic book ive ever read was the bone series, my elementary school teacher assigned us a project to do on our own personal reading and i decided to pick the first comic book in my schools library. apparently that was no coincidence as scholastic re-released a lot of them as an initiative to get more kids into reading, but hey, im evidence it actually worked

as much as i enjoyed bone i can ramble on that another day, i aced that friggen book report because i just appreciated the style of reading more. seeing photos and beautifully drawn scenes was a cooler way to pick up information to me

i eventually inherited a dead familys marvel book collection which furthered my interest in comics and eventually led me to sam keiths work, the author of the maxx and the sandman

the way these two comics portrayed trauma and dilemma really elevated my view of comics as a legitimate means of telling a story and not some goofy things kids read, again, ill probably dedicate my own shrine to both of these comics in the future.

point being, i love comics, but i do admit i generally just love literature, and poetry.

i dont mean to get too personal with ya but i kinda do

talking, making friends, hearing about weird things, thats what i live by.

a big reason of why im still on this earth ended up being my strive for human connection and understanding. i think we as people are so fascinating yet i still can never fully grasp or understand it. its so crazy when you really think about it, i like certain things you might despise, why is that?? and how is that?? its obvious im just a creative in nature, but i think as humans fundamentally we cannot communicate on a level where others can fully understand and feel our emotions, our brains simply are too complex for any language to carry, that is why in my opinion, we make art. for the same reason i like coffee i like sitting down one on one with someone and hearing them tell me their niche interests or views on life or perspectives on movies. it opens me up to new ideas and brand new things i never wouldve found otherwise.

connection and understanding someone are like my cocaine, i cant get enough of it and i wish i could do it all the time.

call me obsessive if you want but i love title fight. im not really sure what it is about them, i just know ive listened to them for years and it kind of stuck with me. if youve ever looked at my playlists or seen my walls you’d probably notice how much they’re always there in the background of everything. their music basically fills up every quiet space in my life. i cant imagine ever fully letting them go. they make me feel a lot of things i cant really put into words. every song of theirs feels like it has its own memory attached to it, like it means something different depending on where i was in life when i heard it. theyre like this constant comfort i can always come back to.